Transcript: Families

Introduction

Before we start, I want to say that families come in all shapes and sizes. When I talk about families today, I mean whoever you think of as family. That could be partners, parents, children, brothers and sisters, grandparents, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, close friends, or anyone else.

When I say a neurodiverse family, I mean a family where at least one person is neurodivergent. Supporting a family like that is about accepting, understanding and respecting the different ways each person’s brain works, and seeing what each person is good at, as well as what they find hard.

Every neurodiverse family is different. How a family works depends a lot on the people in it: what they’re like, and how much support each of them needs. But there are some challenges, and some good things, that a lot of neurodiverse families have in common.

Communication

Communication is often the first thing families have to work on. Everyone needs to learn how being neurodivergent affects the way they understand each other, and how they work together.

Neurodivergent and neurotypical family members often expect different things: how much information gets shared, how plans get made, who does which jobs around the house, and how everyone takes part in family activities. For example, a parent with sensory sensitivities, or who finds time management or managing their emotions hard, might need more help with things like routines, budgeting, planning, cooking and childcare.

In families where everyone is neurodivergent, people often understand each other’s communication barriers really well. They tend to find their own ways of communicating, not just by talking, that work for everyone.

But different communication styles can also cause frustration, misunderstandings and arguments. That’s especially true when the adults in charge aren’t working as a team, or when the jobs at home aren’t shared fairly. A lot of neurodiverse couples find it hard to balance being a friend with being the one who sets the rules. And a neurodivergent family member might end up feeling controlled, micromanaged, undervalued or ignored.

Routine

Lots of neurodivergent people do best with structure, routine, and knowing what’s coming. That can shape how a whole family organises its life. For neurodivergent children, knowing what’s going to happen helps them feel safe, and can make them less anxious. Neurodivergent parents and carers might need routines too, to manage their own needs, whether that’s sensory sensitivities or time alone to recharge.

But routines that are too strict can backfire when something unexpected happens. Neurodiverse families can feel a lot more stress and anxiety when a routine falls apart, or when someone gets upset or dysregulated. Holidays, family get-togethers and trips away can all need a lot of planning. Bigger changes, like moving house or someone new joining the family, can bring challenges the whole family has to work through together.

The good things

Being in a neurodiverse family isn’t all challenges. These families have real strengths too. One of the biggest is empathy. When several people in a family are neurodivergent, they often really get each other’s needs and experiences, and that makes it easier to look after each other.

Neurodiverse families are often great at solving problems, being creative and bouncing back. Getting by in a world that isn’t built for you takes patience, flexibility, and working together. These families learn to celebrate small wins, and they get stronger by getting through hard times together.

A lot of neurodiverse families also really embrace being different. Being different isn’t seen as something wrong, but as part of what makes the family special. That can help everyone in the family, not just the neurodivergent people, feel proud of who they are.

There’s a quote, often credited to Winnie the Pooh, that sums this up: “The things that make me different are the things that make me.”

One family’s story

Ilona Bannister wrote an article in The Guardian about her neurodiverse family (external site). In it, she talks about being the only neurotypical person in her family, with a husband and two sons who all have ADHD. She describes life with them as “chaotic, frenetic, and hilarious”. She says she used to be a rule-follower and a list-maker, with strict routines, and that her family has helped her let go of them and think more creatively.

What helps

• Empathy and understanding: neurodivergent family members often see the world in their own way. Recognising that helps everyone understand and accept each other’s differences. Families who talk openly about what each person needs, what they’re good at and what they find hard tend to be more understanding. It also makes it easier to be flexible about who does what at home.
• Creativity and problem-solving: neurodivergent family members often come at problems from unexpected angles. When the family is open to that, they can find solutions that work better for everyone.
• Supporting each other: patience, encouragement and accepting each other for who they are can make a family a strong support network. For example, a neurodivergent child who is always accepted and supported, however they’re managing their emotions or behaviour, is more likely to grow up confident and feeling good about themselves.

What doesn’t help

• Strict roles and expectations: every family has unspoken rules about who does what, and how people should behave. In neurodiverse families, being too strict about these can do real harm. For example, expecting an autistic family member to follow neurotypical social rules, without thinking about their sensory needs or how they communicate, can lead to stress, anxiety and arguments.
• Miscommunication: different communication styles, especially between neurotypical and neurodivergent family members, can lead to misunderstandings. Neurodivergent people can find other people’s social cues hard to read, and neurotypical people can find neurodivergent people’s cues just as hard to read. If nobody works on bridging that gap, it can lead to frustration, anger, and people feeling shut out.
• Negative cycles: things can spiral when neurodivergent behaviour is always criticised, or treated as a problem. A child with ADHD might get called “lazy” or “disruptive”, and then push back harder or withdraw. That can lead to harsher discipline, and the cycle keeps going. Or a neurodivergent teenager might be burnt out and need a lot of rest, but that gets seen as laziness or anxiety. The family pushes them to do more, and over time, their relationships break down.