Transcript: Masking

What masking is

Masking means hiding or holding back your natural behaviour and personality. A lot of articles about masking only talk about autistic people, so I want to be clear: any neurodivergent person can mask, not just autistic people.

The simplest kind of masking is something everyone does. You might act differently at work than you do at home. When you meet a partner’s parents for the first time, you might watch what you say, and not swear. When you talk to children, you might use simpler words, or be more cheerful and bouncy. In a job interview, you might show a more professional, confident version of yourself.

When we talk about neurodiversity, masking means something more. It’s when a neurodivergent person, on purpose or without realising, tries to come across as neurotypical, to fit in, be accepted, or avoid bad reactions from other people.

Masking can help socially, but it can also be mentally and emotionally exhausting. It can lead to burnout, stress, and feeling like you’ve lost who you really are.

When masking becomes a way of life

Masking can become a way of life. Instead of something you do to get through an uncomfortable situation, it becomes normal. And the real you gets pushed down further and further.

Masking is fitting in. It’s playing down the parts of you that are different.

But people respond well to the mask. They want to be your friend. They think you’re smart. They think you’re fun.

So, you keep it up.

Masking can become automatic: less something you choose to do, and more like a default setting. It can be hard to tell where the mask ends and the rest of you begins.

Does that mean the masked you is now the real you? Or are your true interests, preferences and values still there, under the surface? And when do they get to come out?

There’s no easy answer. And working it out can be overwhelming.

Examples of masking

Masking can be on purpose, or without realising. It can look like:

• making facial expressions that don’t come naturally, sometimes by copying other people’s
• forcing yourself to make eye contact, or keeping track of how much eye contact you’re making
• changing how you speak, or your tone of voice, such as being less direct, or more or less animated
• holding back, reducing or hiding stims, such as hand flapping or repeating words, or swapping them for less noticeable ones, like fiddling with a pen
• hiding how you react to sensory input, such as not flinching when someone shakes your hand, even though you’re very sensitive to touch
• planning what you’ll say before a conversation, called “scripting”, which can be hard to change on the spot, depending on how the other person responds
• asking more questions than you’re comfortable with, or interested in
• not talking about your interests, in case people think they’re strange, or not right for your age
• copying how other people dress and look

How it’s different

Some of this might sound familiar to everyone, like changing how you come across in formal situations. But neurodivergent people say masking is different. It’s consciously doing the things that come naturally to neurotypical people, to meet social expectations and blend in. It takes so much effort that it can lead to autistic burnout, and other mental health problems.

This is especially true for people who find out they’re neurodivergent later in life. They’ve often masked without realising for many years. That can make it hard to know who they would have been, and what interests and traits they might have developed, if they hadn’t been holding themselves back all their lives. It can lead to an identity crisis, and losing your sense of who you are.

Why people mask

Neurodivergent people mask for lots of reasons, including:

• to avoid prejudice, stigma, bullying and discrimination
• to blend in, or “pass”, in a neurotypical world
• to meet social expectations, and avoid being rejected
• to hide discomfort in places that aren’t neurodivergent-friendly, for example so they don’t cause a fuss or inconvenience anyone, or so they don’t come across as dramatic or over the top
• to cope at school or work, and avoid getting into trouble for things like moving around or stimming
• to get jobs, and keep them
• to make and keep friendships and relationships

Who masks more

Masking is common for all neurodivergent people, but there are 2 groups who tend to mask more.

First, women, girls and non-binary people may mask more than men and boys. That might be because of sexism, and stereotypes about how certain people “should” behave. For example, “boys will be boys”, but girls have to learn to behave “properly”.

Second, people diagnosed as adults may mask more than people diagnosed as children or teenagers. They’ve masked their whole lives, because they believed they were neurotypical.

The cost of masking

Masking takes a lot of energy and concentration. If you’ve ever acted, even in a school play, you might understand this a little. Coming off stage after 2 hours of acting, after months of learning your lines, and how your character moves and talks to people, is exhausting. Now imagine that’s every day of your life.

Hiding neurodivergent traits, and holding back your needs, preferences, instincts and ways of coping, like stimming, can lead to:

• distress, including meltdowns or shutdowns, often only when it can’t be held in any longer, or when the person finally feels safe enough
• mental and physical exhaustion, which can lead to burnout
• mental health problems
• feeling isolated, or disconnected from other people
• being more at risk of abuse, as blending in by ignoring your own reactions and going along with what other people want doesn’t always keep you safe
• losing your sense of who you are
• low self-esteem

Managing the impact of masking

Neurodivergent people, and research, suggest some ways to manage the impact of masking:

• giving yourself time to recover after socialising, as masking is so tiring
• using “energy accounting”, where you work out what drains your energy and what recharges it, or “spoon theory”, where you picture each day’s energy as a number of spoons, and choose what to spend them on. That might mean spending less time in situations where you have to mask, if you don’t have the spoons for it, or you need them for something else
• getting a diagnosis, or recognising your neurodivergence yourself, which can help you understand how you mask, and whether you want to try to stop
• spending time with other neurodivergent people, online or in person, and sharing experiences, to help you understand your masking, and what unmasking might mean for you
• thinking about who you are behind the mask: what you like and don’t like, and how and when you could unmask to be more yourself. You could do this in therapy, by journaling or meditating, or by talking with other neurodivergent people, or people who know you well

Some neurodivergent people who realise they mask choose to try to unmask. But it isn’t always simple. Masking can happen without you noticing, so it can be hard to know when you’re doing it. Some people say the question changes from “How do I unmask?” to “Who am I?”, as they realise that masking all the time made them lose their sense of self.

How to support people who mask

To support neurodivergent people who mask, and those who don’t or can’t, society needs to be more accepting of neurodivergent ways of being. People mask to avoid the stigma, prejudice, discrimination and rejection they can face just for being neurodivergent. If the world accepted neurodivergent people as they are, and made room for their differences, there’d be less reason to hide.

Some ways you can help:

• give people time to recover after socialising, as masking is so tiring
• learn about neurodivergence and masking
• embrace neurodiversity, make adjustments, and give support that’s planned around each person
• make public spaces and events more neurodivergent-friendly, with things like quiet hours, quiet spaces and relaxed screenings